Monkey Boy News Page 4

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Internet Simulator

Net addiction is a very real topic in the news today, and we have a solution for all those addicts who can't be online all the time. It is our internet simulator, which can also be used by those not yet online to train for the time when they are.

The simulator is a very cheap alternative, it gives real life situation procedures, which actually simulate operations online, so check the area you'd like to simulate below, and you will be given an easy guide to the real-life simulation!

Area 1: Connecting with a modem

Obtain a blackboard, and scrape your fingernails down it for about 30 seconds. Get a friend to come up and tell you that the line is busy, you cannot connect, after the first few scrapes, and get them to charge you 5p for each time they say it.

Area 2: Internet chat.

Go up to any unkown member of the public in the street and start up a conversation, bearing in mind these guidelines. Wear a bag over your head to keep anonimity, but write a riddiculous login name on the bag ie. Monkeyboy or julesverne1978. Talk about the area your from pretending it's really great (that's why you're online now), and make other total maeningless chat. This simulation is fairly effective as just like in a chat room it will take you a while for anyone to actually stop and talk to you, especially if you're male. WARNING: Do not try and recreate any Adult chat rooms in this way as you'll probably be arrested!

Area 3: Searching for a specific topic of interest

Go to your local library with a vague idea on a topic you'd like some information on. Go to the index, and pull out all of the indexs on topics that have similar letters to the topic you're interested in, and read through all of the descriptions, occasionally getting a book out, to find it's a sales catalogue. Give up several hours after finding tit bits about every topic apart from the one you're interested in!

Area 4: Reading other peoples homepages

Ask a member of the public you don't know, and are not vaguely interested in, to tell them about theirself, listing all of their hobbies and interests, and leave half way through them telling you!

Area 5: Connecting to a busy site

Turn yuor television on, but adjust the contrast and brightness settings ao that you only get a blank gery screen. Sit watching it for an hour.

Area 6: Clicking on a defunct link

Ask a member of the public about a place you have just made up. They will reply "sorry I don't think that exists".

Area 7: Visiting TV related Sites

Go to that black box that looks like your monitor, and can be found in your living room. Turn it on when the TV programme you want information about is on, and watch the TV programme. This may appear confusing at first to the net addict, as the pictures are moving and are linked with the sound, as opposed to being many stills from the programme combined with a few wav files, but this is quite normal.

Area 8: Visiting Pornography sites

Go to a local newsagent. Pick a magazine from the top shelf, wrapped in cellaphane so you can't read it. Read the front cover, looking at the censored photos. Go up to the desk and when the newsagent charges you for the magazine, say no thanks, and repeat the process with another magazine, until you get bored. Leave and up pick up one of the free ad newspapers near the entrance.

Area 9: Finding out the Weather

Ring up your local met office and ask them what the weather was like yesterday in the area you require information about. To find out local weather, look out of any convinient window.

Area 10: Paying for all of your online time

Obtain a bank loan at extortionate interest rates, and put the money in a current account which pays no interest. You will then be paying a lot of extra money for nothing tangible, that you didn't have to.

 

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